maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
