I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just google imaged poop.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
