I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
