How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
