Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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