uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
