My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
did i walk over a car last night?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
