are you still at the devil's house?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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