I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
