So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
