Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
