I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
