last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
