I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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