Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
