Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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