i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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