that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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