So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
