Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
