Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize