He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
