You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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