I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize