Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
