1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
