True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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