i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
