i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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