I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
