You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
