I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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