I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
