Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
