Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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