So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
