overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
