i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
