so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
