Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
