Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
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