i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
