Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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