is your mom at the bar?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
