Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
