the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
