I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
