That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
