Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Are we still banned from the library?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
