just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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