I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
