Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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