I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
