i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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