dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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