Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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