Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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