Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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