i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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