I could make wine with my vomit
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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