Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
and you fell through a lawn chair
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
