I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
