Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
