Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I am one with the molecules
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
