I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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