I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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